The Laughing Doctor


I haven't really known how to give an update these days as it seems like nothing is changing. I did have my neurology appointment this week and he said to expect to struggle over the next few months and not feel like myself for a year. In a way this news felt disappointing but in a way it was a relief that it is "normal" to feel this way. My doctor was laughing at me a lot during the appointment - he laughed that I have already taught a couple yoga classes and trained a couple clients, he laughed that I went for a run, he laughed that I thought I could beat this. He couldn't believe how hard I have been pushing myself and found it quite funny how I thought I could just get my life back to normal. He told me that I need to get it through my head that I can't win - the nerves take a long time to heal and this is going to be a long journey. He laughed again that he was actually tempted to double my dose of neurontin in hopes that it would sedate me and I would rest more. 

All my friends say to just prove him wrong but these days I even feel like my spirit is exhausted. I have been really frustrated with the lack of improvement. I try my best every day and I am nowhere near normal. This is all a very strange experience for me. I am used to being so headstrong that I can force myself to do anything and now my body will not cooperate with the simplest things. I have moments of pure frustration when I am tired of being patient and I am exhausted in every way possible. Then I have moments lying in bed when I feel completely fine and in my head I am making all sorts of plans until I stand up and realize that I am not fine and I have no plans. I got the go ahead to try out swimming a week ago and today I am conserving all my energy to finally go to the pool. I generally have the energy to leave the house once a day so I may go for a walk, doctors appointment, physical therapy, or see a client but that is my one activity for the day. I'm excited to use my one activity for swimming today. I have no more doctors appointments until the end of October and physical therapy is dropping down to twice a week so I am hopeful I can replace those activities with ones that makes me smile. 

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